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Handout info for AAW

arospecawarenessweek:

What is Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week (Arospec Awareness Week; AAW)?
AAW is a week centered around spreading information and awareness about aromanticism and making sure aromantic spectrum voices and issues are heard and understood. This is different from Asexual Awareness Week, but the communities are connected.

What is an aromantic?
An aromantic is someone who doesn’t experience romantic attraction toward anyone, regardless of gender.

What is the aromantic spectrum?
This is the collection of non-alloromantic romantic orientations (gray aromantic identities + aromantic) and is often seen as a spectrum like the color spectrum (referred to as being “different shades of aro” or “shades of gray aro”).

What is gray aromantic?
This is an umbrella term that covers all identities that are on the aromantic spectrum that are not aromantic (“the gray area” of the spectrum). It can be used as an identity as well and describes someone who experiences romantic attraction only very rarely, weakly, unstably / unreliably, and/or under certain circumstances.

What is arospec?
This is an alternative to saying “aro” which is short for aromantic. Arospec is the shorthand name for people who identify anywhere on the aromantic spectrum, including aromantics.

What are some issues arospecs face?
Amatonormativity is a social force where romantic relationships are treated as intrinsically better and more valuable than other sorts of relationships, and that forming such an exclusive, central, amorous relationship is a goal shared universally. This is an issue many arospecs face because we do not feel romantic attraction in ways that make romantic relationships ideal for us. We are othered by amatonormativity by the way we are treated and how we’re told to complete our lives.

Arophobia is like homophobia or queerphobia, where someone rejects aromanticism as valid orientations for various reasons. Arophobia is present inside and outside LGBTQIA+ / queer communities, but does not mean we are “more oppressed” than others. Arophobia is tied with amatonormativity, since it stems from the belief that everyone has the ability to experience romantic attraction.

Am I arospec?
Talk to your arospec community or go online to find safe spaces to ask in detail. The fact you are asking this at all probably means you are!

What now?
Spread this information and do more research! If you are an ally, please listen to the community this week. If you think you might be arospec, look into it and try talking to your arospec community (as in those responsible for showing you this in the first place).

~ by Tabs at arospecawarenessweek.tumblr.com

(via raincloudsandsunbeams)

Oct 31, 2023

rotten-zucchinis:

luvtheheaven:

oneshortdamnfuse:

I am both aromantic and asexual, which I consider to be a unique experience worthy of discussion. However, many have made it their mission to ensure that people do not conflate aromanticism with asexuality. While I completely understand why that is, I feel that this separation has made it more difficult at times for me as an asexual and aromantic person to articulate my own experiences.

Sometimes, I feel as though there is a stigma attached to being both. I have run into asexuals who are not aromantic, who subtly or not so subtly other aromantic asexual people. I have experienced the same thing with aromantics who are not asexual. I especially feel it when people within either community express “…but we still can [insert experience here]!” Still can? Still can. Those two words make my heart lurch. 

You see, I can’t. It is hard to describe “can’t.” When faced with a “can’t,” people usually sit down and think about what they can. Sometimes someone sits down with them and they “problem solve” until they can. It usually involves unlocking why they can’t. Figuring out the secret to “can.” Finding a way around it. The thing is with sexuality, is that there is no real way around it. I just “can’t,” but that’s because I am who I am. I don’t need to “can,” do I? 

There is no “still.” Still just means that there is something there that is normal. That is acceptable to a degree. Sure, as an aromantic asexual person, I could say that I still have relationships that are important to me. That is my “still,” but what good does that do other than to get people to look at me? What I’ve found is everything that doesn’t fit into “still can” is stigmatized, and stigma has a weird impact on my mental health that is hard to express. 

As an aromantic asexual person, sometimes I feel present but unmoving. Everyone else is moving around me and past me, only stopping for maybe a moment. It can be an incredibly isolating experience, and it ties into my ultimate fear of loneliness. I have no desire to change who I am, but I have often caught myself pretending to be someone else in order to make the world around me stop long enough to be noticed. 

The internal challenges faced among aromantic asexual people are not discussed enough, and I think that it’s in part because we so often internalize everything that we wind up saying nothing at all. However, we are so often encouraged to talk about our identities separately and on top of all of this, we are categorized with heterosexual (heteroromantic) people because we don’t experience same gender attraction… but we experience no attraction. 

I think about myself, and who I would be if I were heterosexual (heteroromantic). It wouldn’t be as isolating as this. I would not have the lack of resources. The lack of words necessary to talk about myself. The lack of representation and insight. I would not have to negotiate my identity with my negative experiences. I would not have to sacrifice who I am, just to avoid my worst fears. I wouldn’t be having panic attacks over this or zone out.

Being who I am is terrifying at times. I spent years imagining a society that I could function in, lost in excessive daydreaming that hurt my ability to perform academically and connect with and maintain relationships. Being able to find people like me online was extremely helpful, as there was no one like me in my immediate world offline. It makes me feel more like a person. It makes me feel real, and prevents me from losing myself. 

So, when people say or do things to kill that support, I end up back at square one. If you say I don’t exist enough, I’ll believe it. If you associate me enough with people who are not me, I’ll start to believe that I can’t be me. I need to pick an option that is not me. I can’t do that though. I can fake it pretty well, but it’s never going to be me. Then, when my own communities split far apart from one another, I feel like I’m pulled in two different directions. 

I can’t be two different people, unless I divide and compartmentalize myself. That will only make my health worsen. I realize that this is probably unique to me as an aromantic asexual person who struggles with mental health and wellness, but still… how people talk about aromantic asexual people inside and outside of either community has a big impact on our ability to communicate. I’m trying to do better as a person, but I think others can do better to.

I don’t think that’s too much to ask for. 

This is a really important point you’ve made here, I’ve seen these sentiments from time to time but I want to see MORE of it. and I’m glad you wrote and posted this. It’s related, I think, to how @rotten-zucchinis identifies are “aroace” (one word) although I’m having trouble finding the most relevant post of theirs? Probably scrolling down to “ re: aromanticism & attraction “ here: http://rotten-zucchinis.tumblr.com/tags is a good bet, though.

It’s also related to this old blog post written by @queenieofaces : https://asexualagenda.wordpress.com/2014/04/05/asexuals-arent-just-like-everyone-else-minus-the-sexual-attraction/

I know this is almost a month late, but in case it’s still relevant ( i.e, in case people haven’t found what they’re looking for yet ), this is a list of some of the stuff I’ve written about ( my ) asexuality and aromanticism being all bound up together:

  • re: aromanticism is not about asexuality but asexuality is a somewhat about aromanticism ( Oct. 2014 ) [ Link: text ]

  • Notes on “types of attractions as orientations”– Part 2: problems of orientation *independence* ( Oct. 2015 ) [ Link: text ]
    • about the emphasis on separating “asexuality” and “aromanticism” and treating them as parallel and independent orientations even though that doesn’t work for a lot of people

  • Incoherent ramblings re: aro / greyromanticism– Part 1: being *both* aromantic & greyromatic ( April 2015 ) [ Links: text ]
    • about being aromantic and greyromantic in different ways, from a perspective where asexuality and aromanticism are all rolled up together

  • High school harassment… we all knew *something* even if it wasn’t “asexuality” ( Nov. 2015 ) [ Link: text cw for sexual harassment and threats of violence ]
    • an account of how high school was terrible, where I was a target for reasons of asexuality and aromanticism rolled up together ( and some other stuff too )

  • Notes on nonbinary aroace & queer assailability… as queerspawn (Jan. 2015 ) [ Link: text ]
    • exploring how my ace identity was assailable because of my queerness and vice versa ( where part of that involved my asexuality and aromanticism bound up together… along with non-binary gender stuff and being queerspawn )

  • Of relationship anarchy, accessibility & sitting shiva– Part 4: declaring relationships significance & its accessibility ( April, 2015 ) [ Link: text cw messed-up family stuff and threats of self-harm ]
    • exploring some “norms” for how people declare relationship significance and how they don’t work for me for my non-romantic, non-sexual relationships ( as an aroace issue ), and connections to other things like inaccessibility

(via raincloudsandsunbeams)

Oct 31, 2023

this-schist-that-schist:

salemwitchhunterofficial:

millenniumfae:

“Asexual activist Yasmin Benoit talks to PinkNews about how she realised she was asexual, why the LGBT community needs to be more inclusive, annoying comments people make about asexuality, and why she’s embracing her asexuality as a proud, black model.“

[Yasmin Benoit: You barely see asexual people as it is, let alone a black asexual person.

I am a model and an asexuality activist, and I am an aromantic asexual.

There was never really a time where I didn’t think I was asexual. I noticed when I was about eight and I was in primary school like everyone’s hormones seemed to kick in and all of a sudden the boys and girls didn’t want to just play with each other; they were going out with each other and they fancied each other and I was like, “Alright, what’s this?”

The default is straight so when people would ask me I’d be like “Well I guess I’m straight but I don’t like boys.” And they were like: “Well then you’re probably not straight.” They said: “Well do you like girls?” and I was like “No, I don’t really like anybody.” And they were like: “Well maybe you’re asexual or something?” And I was like “Alright, that sounds good.” So I Googled that and I was like “Yeah, sounds about right.” So when I was about 14, I just started using that word.

I find that most of the time, in my personal life, people just kind of re-interpret it their own way. So I’ll say: “Hey, I’m asexual” and they’ll be like: “Oh ok, so you’re well behaved.” They’ll just switch it. I’ll be like “I’m asexual” and they’ll be like: “Oh, you’ll find the right person, don’t worry” and I’ll be like “That’s not what I said.”

It has nothing to do with being a prude, it has nothing to do with being insecure, and antisocial, and introverted. It has nothing to do with how you look—that’s something I get a lot—people are like: “Oh but you’re good looking, you don’t need to be asexual,” which usually tells me that A) people think that there is an asexual look and that it isn’t a good one, and 2) that asexuality is a choice that people take when they can’t get dates or that they can’t get laid, which is really strange.

One of the benefits of being asexual is definitely that you don’t have to worry about–if you’re aromantic—you really don’t worry about relationship stuff. I know some asexual people do worry about that but I don’t have that problem.

I think that representation is definitely very important because I think the LGBTQIA+ community in general is pretty whitewashed in its representation. That is not only ironic for the community that’s supposed to be so inclusive and diverse if it doesn’t look like that, it’s also counterproductive for minorities that are part of it because it’s kind of seen as being a white thing, which definitely doesn’t help when you are trying to come out and people don’t take it seriously in your community because it’s seen as being this white kid thing.

Even in the LGBTQIA community, I find that people tend to cut out the A or think that the A stands for allies. I notice a lot of the time in organisations or in the media, people only care about the LGBT part and even though they put the plus, they don’t actually acknowledge the plus. But last time I checked the community is about, you know, people that aren’t heteronormative and they don’t fit that and it’s supposed to be inclusive of that. I think that LGBTQIA+ platforms should do a better job of acknowledging what’s in the plus and not just the LGB and the T.]

image

(via raincloudsandsunbeams)

aromantic coming back

Oct 31, 2023

eatingwordswithkittywitch:

aud-works:

elsinore-rose:

“beauty and the beast” where beauty’s dad comes home with the rose and is like oh shit oh shit this terrible monster says i have to come live with him forever because i picked his favorite flower and beauty just goes fuck that and puts on her pants and marches down to the beast’s castle herself

and she’s expecting this horrifying dark fortress but it’s actually sort of just a normal castle with big rose bushes and furniture that’s sometimes alive

and she thinks, i can work with this

and the beast comes out and he’s like don’t look at me i am a hideous monster and beauty’s like dude you’re like a talking tiger in a cape are you kidding you’re AWESOME can i pet you can i stroke your paws can you give me a ride

and he’s like what and she goes around the castle like okay we’ll put curtains here and expand the kitchen and this could be a really cute breakfast nook

and the beast is confused because isn’t she supposed to be terrified and hate him and he had all these intimidating speeches planned and he’s like uh aren’t you going to try to run away

and beauty’s all are you kidding this is a magic castle i’m going to live here forever

so they just sort of settle in together and one day beauty goes home for the weekend to visit her family and they’re all amazed that she’s alive and her sisters go WHY DIDN’T THE HUGE MONSTER EAT YOU TO DEATH and she’s like nahhh he’s basically just a big cat he’s kind of cute actually sometimes he plays with yarn when he thinks i’m not looking

and she explains how it’s really not that bad, all the dishes wash themselves and i get all these gorgeous dresses for free because the castle doesn’t know what else to do with them and yeah there are flowers everywhere but hey that’s his hobby y’know i’m not gonna discourage that man

and then one day while beauty’s re-alphabetizing her magic library and trying to decide where to put that enchanted mirror the beast comes up and he’s like hey so this is awkward but are you like………………………………..in love with me……?????????

and beauty’s like oh uh wow haha um sorry no you’re…sort of a tiger

and the beast is like thank goodness because if you were i’d have to turn back into a human and i’ve kind of gotten used to being a big lion thing with horns and the ability to speak english for some reason like why would i want to go back to being a spindly little man and then beauty laughs and she’s like okay well can you go catch us a wild boar for dinner, dear

and they end up getting married in the end just because it’s easier to explain that way, you know, a single lady ~~living alone with a man~~ even if he’s not actually a man, and that’s fine with them because beauty was never really into the whole boys and sex thing and the beast (whose name is jeff) is honestly more interested in his flowers

and whenever any of the other ladies in the village give her any shit beauty is just like, oh, you don’t like my crepes? well you know my husband, who is literally a tiger, loves them and then everyone leaves her alone, which is really all she ever wanted

and she goes back to her magic castle and sits down with a book in front of the fire and rests her feet on her cat husband and nobody bothers her ever again

can that happen

image 8D

Can we have a whole book of aromantic fairy tales?

(via raincloudsandsunbeams)

aro circling back

Oct 23, 2023

magic-octopi asked:

Hi there! So I know AroSpec week is coming up and I'm thinking of making a shirt to help out. But I'm kind of nervous because my parents usually see what I wear. Any help on how to explain aromantism?

arospecawarenessweek Answer:

Oof that’s a toughy. Explaing aromanticism is really a big part of AAW, so this will probably be important for many other arospecs out there looking to show pride and positivity next week.

Here are some posts we’ve already made in hopes of spreading information:

As for really getting into explaining to someone about aromanticism or even coming out, here is a possible set of replies to certain responses that you may use (a lot of which is information also in the links above):

What is aromanticism?
Aromanticism is the community of aromantic and aromantic spectrum people. These are people who do not experience romantic attraction like society says everyone does.

Wait, what do you mean? Doesn’t everyone experience romance differently?
Yes! but some experience it less commonly than others. Alloromantics are people who experience romantic attraction throughout their lives, sometimes frequently and sometimes only once in a while, but in the end they do not feel othered by society’s views on how people feel romantic attraction (outside of queerphobia).

Aromantics and arospecs are people who do not experience romantic attraction like alloromantics do. This means we experience it weakly, rarely, very briefly or only under certain circumstances, or even not at all. A lot of us grow up feeling broken, infantilized, and generally othered from our alloromantic friends and family and role models thanks to social standards dictating that romance is the key to happiness, that everyone feels romantic attraction and romantic love, and therefore if you don’t feel that like everyone else does then you need to be fixed. There’s a name for that social force: amatonormativity.

So… you guys are emotionless?
No! Not experience romantic attraction does not mean we do not experience other attractions (like sexual attraction, platonic, sensual, aesthetic, etc). While a lot of arospecs are also on the asexual spectrum, that does not mean everyone is. And even still, arospec acespecs can feel emotions. We are a diverse community that feels many different ways and express our emotions in different forms. Some of us don’t even feel any attraction at all. Our lack of these attractions does not determine our humanity.

Are you guys just ppl who get rejected all the time?
Definitely not! While a lot of us come from alloromantic pasts, we are arospec because of our natural ability (or inability) to experience romantic attraction, NOT because we cannot get a date.

You’ll find someone one day / It’s just a phase / “The Right One”
Phase or not, our aromanticism is not invalid just because we may one day change. Right now, we do not experience romantic attraction as alloromantics do. There isn’t any Right One who is going to change our identity. Our identity changes because we develop as we live life. It’s both a natural and environmental development, and it is not to be treated as “just a phase”. This is who we are right now, and this is what helps us understand ourselves.

Nothing you say about this is going to make me change my attitude about your identity. / I don’t believe this.
I cannot change your mind for you. All I ask is for you not to talk to me about romantic relationships, make me feel pressured to find romance, or make me otherwise uncomfortable regarding my identity.

You aren’t part of the LGBT+ movement / You aren’t queer / Aren’t you just straight still?
We are part of the movement. We are queer. Even if we are heterosexual and arospec, we are queer unless we individually decide otherwise. Our lack of attraction does not make us straight. We are still othered and harmed by queerphobia and a lot of us are part of other queer community. This does not mean we are “more oppressed” than other people in the queer community or that the queer community “oppresses us more than others”. Arophobia is present everywhere, but that does not make us more marginalized than other queer communities. 

Anything about “but you arent aro because…”
Regardless of if I once was in a romantic relationship, had crushes in the past, or currently act in ways that you think mean I am not arospec, that does not mean my identity is anything but what I say it is. I am in charge of what I identify as, and I know myself better than you do. I may have been alloromantic in the past, but now I feel better as arospec. I may have been forced to try to be alloromantic because of amatonormativity, as well. Do not tell me who I am.

—

Okay that’s a lot of stuff but I think that covers a lot of stuff people run into when coming out and explaining this stuff. I hope this helps! Please send in more questions if you need more assitance.

~ Tabs

aro circling back

Oct 23, 2023

Anonymous asked:

There's nothing in particular, I just like stories of people who have long fulfilling relationships, so whatever you want to say is fine!

bigdickwizard Answer:

lol well i don’t really know what to say.  superficially it’s pretty much like a lot of other marriages, just with a lot less lovey-doveyness on my part.  actually i wrote a post about being aro + married on another account that i’m just gonna c/p here because it’s basically what i’d be trying to say anyway:

I think a ten-year marriage isn’t something most people would associate with aromanticism.  Honestly, the fact that I was in a long-term relationship was the major inhibitor in the realization of my identity.  "Of course I feel romantic attraction,“ I thought, “I love my husband”.  It’s only recently that I began to re-examine what aromanticism is and what it means for a person like me.

I’ve never considered myself a “lovey-dovey” type of person.  I categorized myself as “not a cuddler” and never examined it too closely.  Touch is something that, to me, is reserved mostly for sensual situations or as a lead-up to something more sexual.  I don’t see the appeal of holding hands, sometimes I’m not much of a hugger and I absolutely do not enjoy cuddling unless there’s maybe some groping involved.  This alone was never enough to set off “you are aromantic!!!” red flags.  It was, however, an occasional point of contention between my husband and I.  He’s a pretty tactile person who enjoys casual touch and, though he might not admit it, snuggling up together.  That sort of thing was always something I put up with because I love him, but never something I’d actively seek out or initiate.

The biggest catalyst for me realizing my aromanticism came when we were having an argument where my husband told me, “you know, sometimes I feel like we’re just best friends who live together and have sex”.  I thought, “yeah, isn’t it great?”  I mean, that’s what romantic love is for a lot of people, right?  What could be missing from that?  It got me thinking, though.  What is the difference between romantic love and a best-friendship?  I love my husband.  I love to spend time with him, have new experiences together, relax together, talk, joke, and to do nice things for him.  Then again, I can say all of those exact things about my best friend and they’re all equally true.  I love my best friend fiercely.  The only difference I can find is that I don’t want to have sex with my best friend.  So what’s missing?  After all, alloromantic asexual people feel a romantic attraction to someone that’s different from a platonic friendship, without sexual attraction being the defining factor.  So what is the defining factor?

The internet was no help.  Most of the posts I found when researching this question were from aromantic people who weren’t and never had been in relationships, many of whom were repulsed by romantic love.  I’m not (usually) repulsed by romance (my fanfic addiction reassures me of that), though I do have a low tolerance for cheesy gratuitous declarations of love, etc.  Romance-repulsion was what I pictured in my head as the definition of aromanticism.  I thought maybe I was demi- or grey-romantic.  I really didn’t find much that was of use to me, so I started looking to what I know of myself and my history.

I’ve been accused in the past of being cold and distant in a relationship, despite being an enthusiastic and loving friend.  I’ve been called a slut, which was clearly prompted by the combination of my being bisexual and aromantic.  I’ve never really had a non-sexual crush on someone that extended beyond wanting to be their friend.  I still am not really sure exactly what that might consist of, honestly, but coming to terms with aromanticism made me feel like those things are okay.  I’m not weird or broken or an emotionless robot.

Being aromantic doesn’t mean you can’t or don’t want to be in a relationship with a romantic person or that it will never work out.  Love doesn’t have to follow just one definition, be it romantic love, platonic love, or something in between.  I love as much as anyone else–I just love differently.

i dunno if that’s the type of elaboration you were hoping for from me, but feel free to ask me any other questions you might have!

aro circling back

Oct 23, 2023

Helpful answers

arospecawarenessweek:

➹ This post is subject to change: please go to the original post to check for edits. Some older post still use allo | last updated: June 12, 2015 ➹

Aro research

➳ Aro Research / warning text heavy & long post

Attraction =/= behavior

➳ Attraction =/= behavior explination / warning long post & text heavy

➳ Examples of attraction =/= behavior with aro

Umbrella terms

➳ Why use umbrella terms? / warning ranting

➳ Grey umbrella

➳ Aro spectrum explanation / warning long post

Usage of quasi

➳ Quasi as an umbrella

➳ Quasi as an identity

Usage of grey

➳ Grey as an umbrella term

➳ Why use grey?

➳ Grey as an identity

Aro Vauge

➳ Aro vauge identities

➳ Post on neurodiversity

Romance repulsion

➳ Romance repulsed sometimes?

➳ Zed?

➳ Romantic attraction and romance repulsed? 

Helpful terms that aren’t orientations

➳ Identities

➳  Alterous

➳ Soft romo

➳ Soft romo relationship

➳ Qpr and Qpp

➳ Aromate

➳ Aromate vs qpr?

➳ Peach fuzz

➳ Post rubor

➳ Aroamory

➳ Aroamory vs aromantic?

➳ Nonamory / warning not our link

➳ Alterous and quasi crushes

➳ Crushes for types of attraction

Facing arophobia/amatonormativity

➳ Comfort through the community

➳ Misconception about aros

➳ Zedsexual aros

➳ Community

➳ Slam poetry

Coming out

➳ Information on aros / warning long post & text heavy

➳ Further explanation / warning text heavy

➳ Coming out to family

➳ Coming out to family part 2 

➳ Can I undo coming out?

Young aros

➳ Am I too young to be valid?

➳ When is too young? 

➳ Am I aro or inexperienced?

➳ Change

Adult aros

➳ Growing up

➳ Fighting amatonormativity / warning long post &  text heavy

➳ Getting married and having kids

➳ Having children / warning text heavy

Exploring types of attraction

➳ Types of attraction

➳ What different types of attractions feel like 

➳  Comic explaining different types of attractions / warning nudity

➳ Type of attraction crushes

➳ What type of attraction am I feeling?

➳ Can attraction hurt?

➳  What is romantic love? Sidenote: There is a tag for this

➳  Romantic attraction / warning sex mention & sexual attraction

➳ Romantic attraction and romance repulsed?

➳ Romantic attraction going with sexual attraction

➳  Romantic attraction toward fictional characters   

➳  Platonic love 

➳  Sensual attraction 

➳  Squishes toward different people

➳ How to tell your squish you like them?

➳ Smush vs. lust

➳ Romantic attraction influencing sexual attraction

➳ Can I use zed terms like bi or homo in front of aro terms like lithro or cupio 

➳  Gender influnces attraction? 

Exploring relationships

➳ Soft romo relationship

➳ Qpr

➳ Qpr vs. soft romo

➳ Why have queer in qpr?

➳ Does wanting a qpr change my orientation?

➳ Qpr checklist Sidenote: Not our linke

➳  Can only aros have qpr’s

➳ Sex with qpr’s

➳  Jealousy in non-romantic relationships

➳ Polyamorous relationships and aro?

➳ Heartbroken from non-romantic relationships?

➳ A perfect date for a lithromantic

➳ Am I still aro if I’m in a romantic relationship?

➳ Supporting aros in a relationship

➳  Should I date someone?

➳ Challenges in relationships

➳ Questions to think about before coming out

➳ How to bring up aromanticism to my partner

➳ Should I tell my partner I’m aro?

➳ Supporting an aro partner

➳ How to break up with a zed

➳ Rejecting zeds 

➳ How to respond to I love you

(via raincloudsandsunbeams)

aro circling back

Oct 23, 2023

Anonymous asked:

I have a question. What is romantic love? I might be aro but every time I look it up it just says: people without romantic attraction. But what /is/ romantic attraction in the first place? I could really use some answers.

arospecawarenessweek Answer:

LAUGHWEEZE anon i wish i could accurately tell you what it is

I once described romantic attraction as a warm, fuzzy feeling inside. It’s thoughts filling your head about someone and instead of the feeling you get for friends, you get a fuzzy, cozy feeling inside that you don’t know if is a good thing or a bad thing. It can even make you nautious or feel nervous. But I’ve also experienced this for sexual attraction, so?? its probs not accurate. Not to mention I’m arospec and am constantly wondering if I ever really experienced romantic attraction or just sensual/sexual attraction + qp attraction.

Romantic love is love that is based in romantic attraction. Romantic attraction is the urge or pull to someone with the desire to be romantically involved with them, which may include a romantic relationship or other romantic behaviors (those of which you personally feel are romantic, which can be influenced by society’s views on romantic gestures).

In other words, based on the definition above, romantic attraction is just… there for some people. People who experience romantic attraction just know what it is, which makes it hard for ppl who don’t to figure it out since no one really knows how to explain it rather than “you just know”.

Romantic love is like, the love that comes out of that attraction. I’m platonically in love with my aromate, and that’s stemmed from a history of platonic attraction and emotional bonding in a platonic relationship. So I imagine it works similarly for romantic stuff??

If anyone has a better way to explain this please do… or point us out to ppl who can.

~ Tabs

aro circling back

Oct 23, 2023

Anonymous asked:

So my partner is ace and aro. We make love, hang out, are monogamous, and talk about very serious topics. He says he loves me, but not in the romantic way. Can you describe that kind of love for me? I am romantic and I don't understand.

arospecawarenessweek Answer:

Hey allonon, you came to the right place c: I’ll also link you to other blogs you can check out to look more into this stuff if you want to, but that’ll be at the end.

Some people say that even though aromantics don’t experience romantic attraction, they can still love someone romantically. Since he specifically said he doesn’t love you in a romantic fashion, then my next guess is he loves you in a platonic fashion. This might not fit, though, because he may feel something that isn’t platonic or romantic.

Personally, I believe there’s a love that is different from platonic love but isn’t necessarily romantic love either. There’s kind of a restriction when it comes to how we talk about love. Love is very difficult to define because it’s present in so many ways and there are so many types of love. There tends to be the three examples “how you love your family, how you love your friends, and how you love your romantic partner” but that isn’t all there is either. There’s a spectrum of love, just like gender and orientation. You can love one friend a certain way and then love another friend a different way, but you still love them equally.

Take a look at this:

image

[ Image description: a green equilateral triangle with the points labeled “Liking - Intimacy”, “Infatuation - Passion”, “Empty Love - Commitment” and the sides labeled respectively “Romantic Love - Passion + Intimacy”, “Companionate - Intimacy + Commitment”, and “Fatuous Love - Passion + Commitment”, as well as the middle of the triangle labeled “Consummate Love - Intimacy + Passion + Commitment” ]

This is based off of Sternberg’s triangular theory of love, from this article. You’re free to read the article itself but it can come off as super amatonormative so read with caution (esp aro followers who are reading this).

For the most part I’ll talk about what the article says here, but hopefully in a way that isn’t as amatonormative.

There are three main components of love, which are…

  • Intimacy – The feelings of attachment, closeness, connectedness, trust, and bondedness
  • Passion – The excitement of the relationship, which is often connected to limerence (infatuation), attraction, and arousal
  • Commitment – The decision to stay with this person and continue investing in the relationship by sharing decisions, experiences, and adjustments

These are the points of the triangle in the picture above. Depending on which components are included in your love for someone, it can be called different things. The article I linked above contains a list of labels for the different combinations, but I would say it’s up to debate what they should be named. These names are the labels on the triangle sides and middle.

Your partner may love you in a fashion that does not possess the arousal or limerence of the passion component of love, but does contain the commitment and intimacy components. This is still extremely valid and as much of love as any other combination is, unlike how the article makes it sound.

For less “technical” ways of talking about this: consider the type of love felt toward a best friend. While there is no romantic or sexual attraction to them, you still are pulled toward them in affectionate and emotional ways. You may express your feelings in different ways, some even traditionally romantic-coded ways such as cuddles and hugs or loving tones and consideration for them. 

Now imagine wanting to step up and commit to being with that best friend and making it a special relationship that you do not share with others. You may have at first felt platonic attraction toward them, but now that you’re already this close it’s replaced by this warm emotion that reads as love. You are not romantic, you are not just platonic either. You love each other in a way that you don’t love other friends.

I’m not saying you do not have a romantic relationship with your partner, but this is my best way around explaining it to you and avoiding romantic attraction.

For more resources, here are some other places to check out:

And more blogs:

This is about as much as I can do to help you understand, allonon. I’m really glad you came to us to ask this, and I hope I’ve helped at all. If not, you can always keep asking us about this on or off anon, or you can contact one of the above blogs for more information as well.

~ Tabs

aro circling back

Oct 23, 2023

Are You Still Asexual or Aromantic If?

sugarlettucemicrowaves:

This is a great article so I wanted to post it here, please note that it comes from The Thinking Asexual I do not own it

You Can Be Asexual and Still:

  • masturbate
  • choose to have sex in a romantic relationship to please your partner
  • orgasm or otherwise experience physical pleasure from sexual stimulation
  • experience romantic attraction and romantic love
  • get married
  • want children or have children
  • recognize that other people are physically attractive
  • consume porn in any and all formats, for the purpose of arousal + masturbation
  • be okay with having partnered sex
  • emotionally, psychologically, and/or physically enjoy partnered sex
  • have kinks and/or fetishes, including BDSM
  • be polyamorous, ethically nonmonogamous, or relationship anarchist
  • have a mental illness
  • have a physical illness or disability
  • be a survivor of sexual assault
  • have absolutely no sexual experience whatsoever
  • have a lot of sexual experience
  • be a sex worker
  • want others to find you attractive
  • love kissing, cuddling, hugs, holding hands, massages, co-sleeping, dancing with a partner, and other forms of nonsexual physical intimacy
  • have sexual fantasies that you would never actually try out in real life
  • have sex dreams
  • experience genital arousal
  • have a libido (sex drive), including a moderate or high libido
  • experience deep, intense, or passionate emotion
  • experience love (romantic or nonromantic) in a very emotional way
  • be willing or interested in experimenting with sex, to see what it’s like
  • enjoy flirting
  • support sexual freedom for other people

The only thing you need to figure out to determine if you’re asexual or not is the answer to the following questions:

Do you experience sexual attraction to other people? (Sexual attraction being an involuntary sexual interest in others/directed desire to have sex with other people.) Do you feel an innate need and/or desire for partnered sex that may or may not be expressed in attractions to a specific gender or genders?

If the answer to those questions is no, you are asexual. Nothing else is relevant to being asexual, one way or another.

Please note that a majority of asexuals are sex-repulsed, will not have sex, don’t want to or feel comfortable with having sex, and would experience sex as something distressing, traumatic, or boring. Some asexuals do not masturbate, have no sex drive, don’t experience orgasms, don’t experience arousal, have little to no sexual experience, and have never been sexually abused or assaulted.

The only thing all asexuals have in common with each other is not experiencing sexual attraction to other people or a need for partnered sex.

You Can Be Aromantic and Still:

  • want a primary partnership that involves commitment, prioritization, exclusivity, life enmeshment, cohabitation, etc
  • choose to participate in romantic relationships with people who are romantically interested in you
  • want or have kids
  • be a sexual person (straight, gay, bi, pan, queer)
  • practice polyamory or other forms of ethical nonmonogamy
  • get married, whether in the context of a romantic or nonromantic relationship
  • enjoy consuming romantic media (movies, TV shows, books, songs, stories, etc)
  • want and enjoy kissing, cuddling, hugs, holding hands, massages, co-sleeping, dancing, and other forms of nonsexual intimacy–whether with your friends in general or with a specific partner
  • experience deep, intense, passionate, and/or very emotional love
  • have strong and/or deep feelings in general
  • be sensitive
  • have gender preferences for nonromantic/nonsexual partners and/or intimate friends
  • experience jealousy over your partner or your friends
  • have your heart broken
  • want to be important to other people
  • engage in emotional intimacy + desire emotional intimacy
  • have a mental illness
  • have a physical illness or disability
  • be a survivor of sexual assault
  • be a survivor of abusive romantic relationships
  • want a monogamous queerplatonic partnership
  • enjoy flirting
  • enjoy giving or receiving gestures of love and affection, whether in friendship or partnership (including romantically-coded gestures, like flower bouquets or love poems and letters, etc)
  • be a warm, friendly, extroverted person
  • enjoy seeing other people in romantic relationships

The only thing you have to figure out to determine whether or not you’re aromantic is the answer to this question:

Do you feel romantic attraction to other people? Do you experience an involuntary desire or need to be in romantic relationships? Do you romantically fall in love with others, in a way that is distinct from other emotional attachments you form with friends and family?

If the answer to those questions is no, then you’re aromantic. Nothing else is relevant to aromanticism, one way or another.

Please note that many aromantics are romance-repulsed and cannot tolerate or really don’t enjoy being in romantic relationships or being the object of someone’s romantic attraction. Some don’t want any kind of partner at all. Some don’t want children and would never marry anyone in any context. Some don’t even want a queerplatonic friend/partner. Some aros hate physical affection, don’t experience strong emotion, and are introverted with a low need for social interaction.

The only thing that all aros have in common with each other is not experiencing romantic feelings or romantic love.

(via kinkyasexuals)

aro ace circling back

Oct 23, 2023

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